Steve came into my office around 11 am and told me, "Get your stuff. I'm taking you to lunch before we go." We ended up eating at Red Lobster. All through lunch we were talking and laughing and looking at each other the way lovers do. It was not only like we have been together but as if we had been together forever. We had great conversation and kept getting lost in each others eyes.
On the drive to the hotel, where the seminar would be held, the sexual tension between us was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. I'm not sure that I have ever wanted someone more than I wanted Steve at that moment. I mean we were alone together on our way to a hotel! So tempting!
When we got out of the car he said, "Hey sexy, its about time I get a chance to put an arm around you. Get over here!" We walked all the way into the hotel like that.
The seminar was boring, as those things usually tend to be. Afterwards, we lingered a bit and a lot of the people left before us. When we finally started heading toward the car it was after 4pm which meant we didn't have to return to work. He put his arm around me again. It seemed to take an eternity to reach his car. I was dying of anticipation. I had this feeling like this was it; something would happen whether it was just making out or much more than that. I was very excited. He kept looking at me a certain way and I knew he was feeling the exact same way.
Finally, we reached his car. Steve opened the door for me. As I went to get in he put his hands around me, low on the back of my waist. He pulled me to him. I looked up at him and saw a desperate longing in his eyes and knew that he saw the same in mine. That moment was fantastic! Such a deep wave of relief, a dream come true after years of longing. Finally, we would get to experience each other passionately; even if it ended up only being a kiss. I could feel his raging hard-on pressing into me. He said, "Do you know how bad I want you right now? I have thought about this every day since you started at the office four years ago. I long to have an ardent, torrid affair with you. Every day I think about what it would be like to be with you; to kiss you, to touch you, to hold you, to make love to you, to fuck you, to love you, and be loved by you." Deeply touched and feeling as though he took the words right out of my mouth I replied, "Those feelings are mutual. Now shut up, I need you." We went to kiss and fireworks went off all through my body. It was like electricity flowing between us. (Now I have had great and intense chemistry with people before but it has never been so intense, so viscerally satisfying). All my senses lit up. He pressed harder into me yet and I could feel his intense yearning. He stopped for a second to look me in the eye as he said, "I need you too. But then you have always known that. You and I never seem to need to speak, we always just seem to know what the other is thinking." We started making out again. I have never felt anything so powerful, so wonderful. It was total bliss. As we kissed, his hand moved up my thigh under my skirt. I almost had an orgasm just from his hand on my upper thigh while he was kissing me. I had yearned for this for so long.
That was the moment we both pushed the other away, simultaneously; scared at how powerful and all-consuming the force between us was. I knew at that moment that if I went through with this I would never be happy again unless we were always together. He knew it too at that moment; felt the same towards me. WE looked at each other for a long moment and at the same time spoke, "This can't happen. My life would never be the same. I don't think I can give you up once I have had you." Dead silence then. That was eerie that we both said that at the same time. Something to ponder.
We both got in the car then and without saying a word to each other we drove away. He drove us to a place that no one else was around. I looked at him and without speaking I unbuttoned my blouse. I put my hand between my legs, up under my skirt, and began to masturbate. I wanted Steve to make mad, passionate love to me but I knew that would lead us down a road neither of us would be able to turn from. Still, something had to happen between us, the need was too immense. So this would do. He said, "I want to touch you so bad. I want to make mad, passionate love to you. I want to spend a day in bed with you," as he undid his pants and pulled his very turgid and magnificent cock. I wanted so badly to hop on...but I refrained. He began masturbating too. Quite ironically, we came together. That made us laugh. Once again without speaking, we cleaned things up, dressed, and headed back to the office.
When he dropped me at my car he said, "I really do need you. I always have and I always will." I replied, "I know. I need you too."
Wow! Just typing about that day makes me horny. I can vividly recall all of it. Maybe I should go take care of something. Wink. Wink.
I promise to write about "the day" with Steve. The damn computer ate my last entry about it. I haven't felt moved to write about it a second time. I am so happy! I have been on vacation since the 16th and I don't go back to work until Jan. 2nd. I only used 8 days of vacation and got 16 days off! You cannot beat that!
I don't have anything much to say today so I should get back to holiday preparations. Oh what fun!
I posted an excellent and long entry yesterday and it never showed up! It's not even anywhere in my blogdrive user area. It's completely gone. Now I need to start all over. I had written about Wednesday, November 16.
Three Parts of Your Heritage
1. Irish (duh!)
2. German
3. French
Three Things That Scare You
1. Heights
2. Water you can't see through
3. Stairs that you can see through (Pastor Tina those were all excellent choices)
Three of Your Everyday Essentials
1. Tom
2. Steve
3. Dr. Pepper
Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. My heart on my sleeve
2. "Circle of Love" pendant
3. Contacts
Three of Your Favorite Songs - at the moment
1. My Doorbell by the White Stripes
2. Save Me by Shinedown
3. (Rip out the wings of a) Butterfly by HIM
Three Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love)
1. Honesty
2. Trust
3. The freedom to experience all life has to offer
Three PHYSICAL Things about the Opposite Sex (Or same sex) that Appeal to You.
1. Brown hair, brown eyes
2. Thin yet muscular arms; toned and with those sexy veins popping out showing off their owners true strength
3. The package
Three of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. Travelling overseas
2. Music (playing and listening)
3. Running
Three Things You want to do really badly right now
1. Kiss Steve...passionately
2. Spend a week in Jamaica
3. Go to NYC
Three Places You Want to go
1. Jamaica
2. NYC
3. Hotel room with Steve
Three Ways that you are stereotypically a Guy (or Girl)
1. Very emotional
2. Love jewelry
3. Like to wear skirts and dresses
Redheads have all the fun. Take my word for it. People talk about how it's great to be blonde but being a redhead is a million times better. You can't explain it. People just put you on this separate level, this pedestal; like they are awed and intrigued. It's fabulous. I highly recommend being a redhead.
Some alphabet associations (rules are to write the first word that comes to mind beginning with each letter of the alphabet...no cheating. Type the FIRST word beginning with that letter that pops into your head! You will learn about yourself! ) Here goes:
A - ardent
B - boat
C - care
D - dick
E - elate
F - fuck
G - great
H - happy
I - intrigue
J - juice
K - kiss
L - lust
M - music
N - naughty
O - orchestra
P - passion
Q - quiet
R - red
S - strut
T - torrid
U - unicorn
V - vixen
W - work
X - x rated
Y - you
Z - zoo
Hmmm. Interesting indeed. Your turn. Let me know if you post a list yourself!
Waiting for tomorrow. Thinking. Dreaming. Hoping. Denying. Behaving. Tomorrow will not come. It is not time. Building. Growing. Changing. Still thinking. Still dreaming. Still hoping. Someday there will be no denying. Someday will come but I don't expect it tomorrow. The wait. Enduring. Strengthening. Worth it's wait.
In the mean time....
A look,
holds the attention
A touch,
is felt in deepest existence
A kiss,
is lingering a step ahead
A dream,
haunts every passing moment
A memory,
makes the body ache for more of his caress
A wish,
to fulfill the desires
Of flesh, mind, and spirit of two lovers;
a completion of souls
I just can't seem to stop this whole bit with Steve. We carry on and on and on. We have cultivated a special friendship, a special bond between us. Our mutual lust and our morals that keep us from indulging ourselves, also tie us together indefinitely. I think about him so much, however not more than what is healthy and normal. All other aspects of my life are just as important. It is just that he is a fun and erotic distraction from the rest of my life.
People are always talking about how Steve is always so grumpy and unhappy except for when he is talking with me. I just smile. That IS true and I think it is very endearing. He hates his job and can be in such a bad mood at work BUT he is always sweet and charming, happy and smiling/laughing, sensitive and concerned when interacting with me. I love that I have such a powerful, positive effect on him. ; )
Actually, I am really excited...and I mean EXCITED ; ) ...because Steve and I have been told we will be attending a seminar together on Wednesday and we will be riding there together (since it's only for the afternoon and we will be leaving from work and later returning to work). This will be our first 'real time' completely on our own (as in being together outside of work). This is just like that dream I wrote about months ago (see entry 38, where Steve dreamt basically the same thing as me on the same night)! How strange is that? He already mentioned he could take me out to lunch before seminar or would enjoy the honor of taking me to dinner afterwards. I am definitely looking forward to this. We shall see if anything comes of it. Wish me luck!
: ) Maybe the wait will soon end. It has been years of lust with no fruition. It may be time. If not, I shall continue to wait, for I have confidence that the day will eventually come where we be able to experience one another in ways we could only dream of prior to.
So I wanted to talk about mental illness. On my buddy's website http://windofsuchviolence.blogdrive.com he mentions RMDD (recurrent major depressive disorder) and it's immense effects on one's life. He also writes about how people don't take this disorder seriously because you can't understand what life is like as a sufferer until you yourself have it. I myself have been diagnosed with that disorder. Every moment of life is a struggle. Even when everything is perfect, it is not. You are never truly happy even when you know you ought to be. You undermine yourself. Imagine having your worst enemy controlling your every thought, your every action. Your chances of being successful and happy in life would be pretty slim wouldn't they. Well, that is what life is like for someone who suffers from RMDD. You subconciously destroy not only yourself, your future, and your soul but you also cleverly dismantle relationships, friendships with those who truly care, and not only that but you usually end up destroying the lives of the people you love the most. I know it doesn't make any sense but people really do live in such a nightmare. You constantly have to second guess yourself, adjust your interpretations, ignore certain emotions and impulses. You set yourself up for nothing other than failure. Please take heart to what those who suffer this disorder endure. Even though you may not have the capacity to understand what they are going through they truly are some of the strongest people in the world; in character, in intellect, in spirit, in more ways than you can name. If you know someone suffering from RMDD please respect their struggle, recognize their strength.
(51) Vacations without the one you are lusting for...
... are not as much fun... as if they were there for you to enjoy. I left town for a while. I went Colorado for some skiing for almost a week with some of my friends. It rocked! However, sitting in a hot tub on the side of a mountain is not as much fun when with friends, when you can't help but imagine what you would be up to if the object of your lust were there instead. All weekend I could hardly think of anything other than Steve.
Screw this. I just wrote all about my trip to the Chalet with a bunch of my pals. I had quite a bit written and when I pressed 'enter' all of it other than my first few sentences disappeared. I don't feel like typing it all again so I guess you will not get the funny stories after all. Sorry. I can be lazy at times. Ha.
Anyhow, I took a trip for about a week and the day that I returned to work was Steve's first day of vacation so we saw each other today for the first time in almost two weeks! We had so much to tell each other. He was so happy to see me (and I to see him, of course)! We skipped the grab ass game and just chatted and shared like great friends or old time lovers. It was charming. What really got me though was the twinkle in his eye as he saw me for the first time in about two weeks. His face literally lit up. I bet mine probably did as well, lol.
I have got to go. I told Kari and Sam (as in Samantha) that I would meet them at the gym at 8pm for some swimming but I still have to get ready and drive my ass over there. Away I go before I decide to cancel!
Who am I? I am a 24 year old female. The name is Madison, which is silly because I live in Madison. Creative parents huh? Lol.
Where am I? Wisconsin What is this blog about? This blog is the tale of my struggle with my own personal demons. We all have 'em. So very few will even admit their existence to themself, let alone the public. Walk with me as I try to abandon all pride, shame, guilt, shyness, political correctness, etc.
Why you should read me regularly... so you can feel good about yourself knowing that you are not quite as nutty as me : P Sort of kidding. Maybe you will be able to relate to me and maybe that will help.
